count your days when you're with the yorozuya
by fatejumper
Summary: Hijikata already knew that whenever he was around any of the Yorozuya that something was bound to happen. What was supposed to be a simple task given to him by Kondo-san ended up with him in a larger mess than he wanted. Why didn't he listen to his gut feeling before? Rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

**Hi there! So this story was kind of based off a dream that I had regarding Hijikata and Kagura so I thought I'd expand it a little and make something out of it!**

 **Enjoy for those who check this out! There will most likely be more chapters to come :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Don't go picking up girls that show up by your car**

"Remind me where your boss is again?" Hijikata gruffly asked as he chewed on his cigarette. He had a fairly annoyed glare in his eyes, one that seemed to be ever present this week thanks to Sougo.

"Probably dead. He came back last night mumbling and groaning then collapsed on the floor only to start crawling towards his bedroom like some zom—"

"And why is it you he sent!?" Hijikata barked as he glared down at the red haired Yato that was picking her nose. He didn't like that she was here. Whenever any of the Yorozuya were around, something would somehow always happen.

"What are you saying, Toshi—"

"Don't call me that."

"—You don't want to be partnered with a beautiful woman like me?" Kagura posed to the side dramatically, laughing haughtily.

Hijikata pondered his situation for a moment. At least he wasn't constantly trying to get assassinated by Sougo. So maybe having the red head wouldn't be so bad after all. It's not like she was going to get him killed today.

Boy, was he wrong.

Half an hour later, the police car the two of them were just in was in flames, his hair had turned into an afro from the explosion, and Kagura was throwing shit everywhere.

"I should've just called Sougo. No, I should've just gone alone." Hijikata muttered as he dragged a hand down his face.

* * *

 **30 minutes ago**

It was just a little check up on the Shogun and his sister. That's all the task asked for per Kondo-san, which knowing him shouldn't be too hard. Sougo had been sent on another task which allowed the Vice-Captain to breathe an audible sigh of relief, only to almost get killed for the 5th time that day by a bomb that the sadist planted himself.

But as he was heading to his car, he spotted a flash of red hair in his peripherals before getting tackled in the side.

"WHO THE—"

"MAYORA!"

Thanks to his instincts, he had blocked Kagura's kick with the scabbard of his katana from slamming him face first into the ground.

"What do you want, kid?" he growled as he relaxed his stance and watched her dust herself off.

He pulled out an unlit cigarette and slipped it in between his lips as he observed her. She seemed normal. Now what the heck did she want?

"I've been sent here by Gin-chan to pick up medicine for the 'massive son-of-a-bitch headache' he says he has." Kagura explained as she nodded to herself.

"Hey, just cause your boss says things like that doesn't mean you have to. Also, I'm not a pharmacy so scram." Hijikata said as he made a move to get to his car.

 _[flashfoward a couple seconds]_

"What are you saying, Toshi—"

"Don't call me that."

"—You don't want to be partnered with a beautiful woman like me?" Kagura posed to the side dramatically, laughing haughtily.

Hijikata stood there thinking to himself for a moment, when he suddenly blinked out of his daze.

"Wait just a minute what do you think you're doing, hah?" The Vice-Captain said as he watched Kagura open the passenger door to his car and get in.

"You're gonna take me to the convenience store, right?" Kagura immediately replied, already buckling her seatbelt.

"OI! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M GONNA DO THAT!? I've got duties of my own, so get out!" Hijikata yelled as he stomped to the passenger side and yanked open the door, grabbing a fistful of her shirt.

"HELP! HELP! THIS SHINSENGUMI OFFICER IS TRYING TO KIDNAP M—!"

Hijikata's hand had never moved so fast. He leaned in closer to Kagura's face with his hand over mouth with eyes narrowed into slits.

"What are you _doing?_ " He hissed as he took his hand away.

"Take me to the convenience store! How can you let a poor innocent girl like me walk around the streets of night—"

"It's _daytime."_

"—all alone?" Kagura blinked up at Hijikata who was already gnawing on his cigarette irritably.

Sighing, Hijikata lifted his gaze to the bright blue sky and shut his eyes for a moment.

"Fine! But I'm leaving you there after!" He said as he sat in the driver's side, shutting the door.

"All right!" Kagura cheered as he pulled out of the lot and into the streets.

What had he gotten himself into?


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello lovelies! I'm happy to see that people are enjoying this so far! Here's a new chapter for ya'll~**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Sometimes cars end up flying and that's okay**

Within the shadows of Edo gathered a group of Amanto whispering. They sat huddled together in an alleyway trying not to look suspicious but failing horribly.

"That was her right?"

"Yeah it's gotta be her! The red-hair is just like the Admiral!"

"Wait, why does he want us to ask her to come back to his ship?"

"Because there's some Yato destroyer on the loose! Haven't you read any of the reports that the Admiral has been getting? Some of our men are disappearing too!"

"We should move quick or else!"

"Aw, well who knew the Admiral had a soft spot for his sister."

Suddenly, as if the spoken man of the Harusame was behind them, a chill filled the air causing them all to shudder.

"Well…maybe not a soft spot then."

* * *

"How can you not have any money on you?!" Hijikata yelled as he wrung his hands on the steering wheel angrily.

Sure, this girl may still be a kid, but to not carry anything with her?

"I thought you were gonna treat me!" Kagura exclaimed back. "Gin-chan doesn't give us any money!"

"Treat you to _what?!_ I'm not paying for his shitty meds! He can continue having that son-of-a-bitch headache for all I care!" the Vice-Captain barked back as he brought the car to the side.

"Now leave! I've got work to do, kid." he said as he let out a sigh. He turned his head to the side to see the red head tense.

He thought for a moment that was burst out another ridiculous statement, but right when he opened his mouth to say something, Kagura unbuckled her seatbelt and shoved the door open.

"Fine, ya mayonnaise obsessed monster! Go have fun on your other job!" she said as she got out of the car.

"Oi, don't bring mayonnaise into thi—" Hijikata got cut off as the door shut in his face.

For a second, the Vice-Captain thought about how Kagura probably does care deeply about her boss. He could understand why they wouldn't have any money because their idiot boss went out drinking and probably splurged all the money they had.

All the while thinking this, Kagura had lingered near his car.

Gritting his teeth at his regretfully guilty conscience, Hijikata switched off the engine and stepped out.

"Hey, China get back in. I'll take you there." he said as he lit his cigarette. "And I'll pay for the damn meds, alright? You hear me?"

The moment he glanced up from the spot of the car he was staring at it disappeared from his eyes.

"Eh?"

Then he saw his car start to rise and widened his eyes to see Kagura haul the car over her shoulder and into the sky.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hijikata gaped as he watched his car soar and slam into a group of figures that had jumped off a building. He had barely blinked when again a flash of red passed him and crashed through the sitting traffic.

He whirled around to see Kagura's form through the debris and turned his head back forward just in time to see sword point at his face.

The moment he dodged, his car had reached the ground and proceeded to explode upon impact. Shielding his face, Hijikata could already feel his hair puffing up. As his temper steadily rose, he got to his feet and pulled out his katana.

"Alright, who dares to assault a Shinesengumi officer, huh bastards?! You had better commit seppuku right now!" He growled out as he glanced over to see Kagura burst from the debris, annoyance in her voice.

"You wanna go?! Who sent you! I bet it was my idiot brother with that damn sister complex of his!" Kagura hollered as she threw chunks of debris at the supposed enemies. "TAKE THIS!"

"...I knew it. I should've just called Sougo. No, I should've just gone alone." Hijikata muttered as he dragged a hand down his face.

A presence suddenly appeared in front of him, making him tense. Through the smoke, he saw that the figure was tall and built. Readying himself, Hijikata fell into a stance just as the figure came forward. Right when he was about strike, he caught a dash of silver and felt his eyebrow twitch in sudden annoyance.

The large figure before him fell slowly on to his face, and the person who had his bokuto already through him was none other than a piss-wasted Gintoki in all his glory.

"Oiii, Kagura where are my meds?!" Gintoki shouted as his eyes scanned for the kid. His fish dead eyes looked even worse under the sunlight, as if the man himself was going to pass out any second.

"You bastard, what are you doing here?" Hijikata snarled as Gintoki finally seemed aware he was there.

"What are _you_ doing here? Ow, my head. And why is Kagura over there—"

His words were cut off when the red headed Yato suddenly disappeared and was sent flying into the building she was in before, exploding through it.

"KAG—" Gintoki choked out.

"China!"

Both glanced at each other and then at the hooded figure that stood before them. They stood in the crater they had formed when they landed.

"Hey bastard, you're under arrest for the destruction of government property!" Hijikata declared as he shifted closer to the mysterious person.

"Wait," Gintoki quietly said, his eyes boring into the cloaked figure.

"What do you want, hah?" Hijikata growled as he glanced at the man.

"AHA! So, you're back again just as I thought, idiot brother of mine!" Kagura exclaimed as she stepped out of the hole she made, wiping the blood off her chin with her hand. Her smirk was one that seemed familiar towards the figure, but her eyes glinted with distrust.

Hijikata noticed how still the boss of the Yorozuya had gotten and glanced towards him only to not see him anymore. Eyes suddenly up front, he saw the silver haired samurai behind the supposed brother of Kagura, hand with the bokuto already up.

"This ain't your brother, Kagura!" Gintoki said as he swiped his weapon down only to have the attack evaded.

The figure leapt to the side and pulled away their hood.

The world froze for a second.

What lay underneath was the most beautiful alien that Hijikata had ever seen. She had braided hair the color of snow and soft facials to match. Her presence carried reverence and grace.

"Such a pretty—" Kagura started to say in awe.

"YOU FIENDS!"

"—MAN?!" The three of them yelled at the voice that came from the Amanto.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello lovelies! Here is a new update! This will most likely be the last chapter of this short story~**

 **But I'm willing to continue on with another short arc if anyone is still down to hear the daily life of Hijikata with the Yorozuya hehe. Who knows maybe I can add in some other characters too! I bet ya'll were dying to see Sougo right? ;)**

 **Leave me some suggestions if you've got any!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Always have a good enough reason to come to Earth!**

"I have taken out those other kinds such as I that seemed to have had their eye on you, Yato." The gorgeous Amanto said in such a deep voice.

It took a moment for the three of them to break out of their daze upon hearing his sentence.

"What are you blabbering about, ya strangely beautiful alien?" Kagura asked as Hijikata and Gintoki made their way to her.

"Well they seemed to be speaking about a red haired—"

"AND WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE? DIDN'T YOU ATTACK ME A MOMENT AGO?" Kagura yelled as she stomped her foot, ignoring Gintoki's hushed pleas of stopping.

Hijikata still couldn't believe what was happening.

"It seemed like a proper entrance. Was it not?" The alien said with a tilt of his head.

"What are you, stupid?! Of course, it wasn't, that hurt like hell!" Kagura argued.

"Then die."

Hijikata didn't like how he and the Yorozuya moved at the same time, but before they could do anything, the alien had already appeared in front of Kagura.

"You!" The red headed Yato said through gritted teeth as she bent her body back to dodge the alien's blade, her foot already coming up for a kick.

The air around them shifted as her kick was caught and the butt of the blade was slammed into her torso. Sent into the ground, concrete flew in the air as Hijikata and Gintoki went in.

The Vice-Chief instantly clashed weapons with the strange alien, getting a few attacks in before ducking under Gintoki's swing. As the two of them traded off attacks, there was a second of an opening, one that didn't go unnoticed, for a lamppost made its way between them and into the alien.

Kagura then jumped back and regrouped with him and Gintoki, holding her side.

"Gin-chan, he smells funny."

The man arched a brow, confused.

"Ah? What do you mean? You didn't smell his pits or something like that, did you? That's very unhygienic, Kagura."

"Shut up, ya sweet loving freak! Now ain't the time!" Hijikata growled as he noticed Kagura not even blink an eye at her boss' joke.

"He smells like a Yato for some reason, but he's not…" Kagura trailed off as Hijikata connected the pieces in his own mid.

There were several reports on the news saying that there was some Yato "destroyer" going around.

This can't be…?!

"Oi, don't tell me he's a long-lost cousin or something? We hardly have room for one already at the house." Gintoki began, tapping his bokuto on his shoulder.

"In what world would he be my cousin, Gin-chan?! And what about me! What am I? Some cockroach tenant that mooches off you?" Kagura turned on him, now completely ignoring the enemy.

"Not like you already do, pfft." He grinned evilly, sparking a fire of annoyance in Kagura's eyes.

"Quit it! Your little 'friend' over there is starting to erode because you're ignoring him!" Hijikata cut in, trying to stop the two Yorozuya from grabbing at each other's necks.

The enemy himself was trying to get their attention, but alas no one could hear him.

"H-hello? Weren't we just fighting…?" he pondered to himself, raising a hand.

"Who's constantly buying giant sacks of food for your giant dog? This guy! What about giving you a nice home, this guy!" Gintoki grabbed the collar of Kagura's shirt. "You're never grateful towards your elders, you brat!"

"ORAA! You wanna go?! I'm the one going out and getting your medication for that shitty headache of yours! Who's the adult now, huh?" Kagura bantered in return as she smacked her forward into Gintoki's.

"Stop this! Can't you deal with this later! That alien looks like it's gonna fade away into dust any moment!"

"Shut up, Mayora! Now's not the time!"

"Yeah, get outta here _Shitsengumi."_

"Oh? What was that? You wanna both commit seppuku right now? Is that right? Well, why don't I do it for ya!"

At this point the pretty alien had almost withered all away, but upon remembering the reason for his arrival, he let out a roar as he broke open from his degenerating phase. His figure seemed to glow white as he unlocked an unearthly power from within.

"NOW YOU HAVE ANGERED ME, IMPUDENT HUMANS. I AM THE ONE AND ONLY FEARED YATO DESTROYER. NOW…FACE ME YATO—!"

"Gin-chan, go eat shit!" Kagura yelled as she took him by the arm and flung him straight into the gloating god like alien. Then she jumped high into the air and came down horizontally, yelling.

"ELBOW DROP!" Kagura roared as she descended upon Gintoki and the alien with her Yato strength.

Hijikata would never forget in his life the high-pitched scream Gintoki let out.

Kagura landed besides Hijikata and proceeded to dust her hands off.

"Hey, that guy said he was the Yato destroyer, right?" he asked as he saw Kagura furrow her brows.

"Yeah, I wonder if Papi and my idiot brother are okay. They wouldn't let some weak ass punk like him take them down." she replied as she cracked her knuckles, waiting for movement from the pile of rubble she created.

Gintoki burst from the rubble holding what they thought was a powerful alien by the scruff of his cloak.

"Alright spill, buddy." he growled as he moved his arm for emphasis.

"There's nothing to spill, I am this supposed 'Yato Destroyer' that every has been hearing about. I've gone around killing Yatos, searching and searching for someone. You are the Yorozuya, yes?"

Gintoki and Kagura stiffened at their group name confused as to why it was coming out of this alien's mouth.

"I heard some chatter about a red haired Yato and the name Yorozuya from a few Amanto. They were saying that she was the sibling of some powerful Yato." The alien said with a shrug, looking strangely comfortable.

"Why are you so calm, bastard?" Hijikata asked as he remained poised.

"Please, Ventimum Vermillion at your service. You see I've been seeking out a man named Umibozu."

"Hold on why does your name sound like a latte order?!"

"Alright Mr. Ventishit-san. What do you want with Umibozu?" Gintoki drawled out, analyzing the alien from behind.

"Yeah, what do you want with Papi, ya bastard latte?!" Kagura added furiously.

"Well…to put it simply…he took out my wife."

"…hah?"

"Like on a date?" Hijikata said, not liking where this was going.

"Yes and now I want vengeance by starting with his childr—!" His words were turned into a yell as Gintoki suddenly threw him into the air, Kagura following up with a powered-up kick into the alien's side.

"AS IF THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO COME HERE!"

"What kind of man are you that you'd let your wife get taken by the most feared monster in the universe, HAH?!" Gintoki shrieked as Venti-san became a star in the sky.

As silence fell upon the three of them, Hijikata lit another cigarette as the two of them caught their breath.

"Well, now that that's over, would you two like to pay for these damages to government property or—?"

"Ah, Kagura-chan don't you think Gin-chan has had a long day? Why don't we get him some meds now huh?"

"Of course, Gin-chan!"

Hijikata gripped both of their shoulders tightly before they could leave, feeling his demon side truly awaken from its slumber.

"How is it that you two don't have any money?!" He yelled as he started to drag them back towards the Shinsengumi compound. "That's it, I'm gonna make you both commit seppuku!"

Hijikata ignored their screams as he dragged them through the chaos that was created today.

As the sun started to set and he had given the two Yorozuya a good beating, was when he realized.

"Shit, the Shogun and the princess…" he muttered to himself as he put a hand to his head in frustration.

Looks like he was going to need that curly-permed freak's meds too.

* * *

 **Thank you guys for being such a great audience! I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the trolling, humor, and slight seriousness of this story.**

 **Like I said before the chapter began, leave me any suggestions that you'd think you'd want to see with Hijikata! If not, then I believe this will be the conclusion to the story itself.**

 **Have a wonderful day!**


End file.
